Just give up on me.

How can you just lie next to the person you love and not feel them, not talk to them, not even look at them, and know exactly what they’re doing and they are right there beside you. And you know you’re just as in love with them as you are when they are awake or responsive. You just can’t help but smile and want to love them even more. How do I show you? How do I make you fall in love with me, or rather let you?

All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay oh I believe in yesterday in good and bad ways. I turned to you and you responded too late. I could have done something terrible but she is controlling you. I can’t respond back to you because she would see. I miss you and I love you. I drove myself crazy yesterday because I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be in love with. Someone I can’t be in love with. But that’s in love with me in a lot of different ways. I’m scared, I’m paranoid. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting and needing you. But I’m dead. I’m gone. I dont know what I was running from yesterday. My future? Myself? My hurt? And then the cemetery. The cemetery. Who does that? I don’t even know why I did that. But I did. And I was calm. But there are so many things inside of me right now that it hurts to hide. 16 weeks and 6 days. I better enjoy every minute of it with or without these people I’ve worked so hard to get and try to keep. These people in my life now.

News yesterday. And you weren’t here…when are you ever, but neither were YOU. 37 likes and not one comment from you. Why do I need to hide this from you? I’ve promised you a million times over that I will be here. I will be safe. I love you. Isn’t that enough? I don’t want you to miss me. Because missing me means that you are worried you won’t have me now or ever again. You have me. I’m here. I’m yours. I want you to be mine. I’m proud of myself, I’m so amazingly elated. Where were you? Please care. Because no matter where I go. I’m yours in every way possible. If it was so simple to look you in the eyes and promise you. Just say those three words. I want to look right into your eyes and say I Love You. You’re my everything, let me be your anything. I’m going but I need you to come with me in some way, shape, or form because I don’t know if I’d survive. Please love me too. I’m trying to figure this out. I need you. And I’m almost positive I need this.

“It’s always been about me, myself, and I.

I thought relationships were nothing but a waste of time.

I never wanted to be anybody’s other half.

I was happy saying I had a love that wouldn’t last.

That was the only way I knew til I met you.”

I never wanted to be associated with someone on my hip. I never knew what it was like to have a shadow with me. Do I mind? Did I? I can’t give you a STRAIGHT answer. That’s been the problem with me lately. It’s always been me. Crysta. Not Crysta and… It is the best/ worst feeling in the world. I feel like I belong to someone, like someone cares that much about me. But at the same time I’ve never felt so alone. No one understands or cares to and I honestly don’t feel like trying to explain this. I’d just have to show them all, when how can I do that when I can’t even show you? Every love song I think about you, but you would never know. Passion, anger, extreme happiness, I experience them all with you. I think I’ve felt pretty close to every emotion with you. But still I don’t know if I like being partnered, matched up, assumed of being with you. I mean that is what I want more than anything but I refuse to let you hurt me, not that you haven’t already, not that I haven’t let you. Maybe we moved too fast, maybe we aren’t moving fast enough. But you are the first person I would trade my world for, absolutely anything to keep, but I can’t keep you here with me if you want other things. And that my friends is the biggest heartbreak I will probably ever face. Wanting someone who doesn’t want you. Put on a smile, stand tall, and keep living life. I’m Crysta G, these are real feelings, this is the real me.

I see these visions you were talking about. It’s in the kitchen, it’s me being alone, it’s me slouching down, grabbing my stomach in pain doubling over.

I can’t be strong anymore.

I saw you today and I realized I need you in my life. No matter what you’ve done, what I’ve said. You’re my best friend and I want you.

Now I see why you can’t give him or her up. I feel the pain, the longing, I see. But you have to know when something is bad for you. He or she is bad for you I promise you, and you see I only want you. I want you to be mine.

This is torture. Two people you love, you’ve loved more than anything. In a deeper way than you’ve loved others. The two that meant the most to you, are together. Even for a night. And now I have to live with that, and hear it. And be jealous or hurt. Because I never had them both at the same time. They both mean/ meant the world to me. I fell in love with both of them. I’ve wanted both of them. I thought I needed one, but got the other. Let me keep her. It is such a weird painful feeling to hear them together because it sounds so good and makes me love all over again. Forget. Just love.

I’m breaking down and I have no one. Who do I trust? Who do I love? How do I not get hurt? I just want to let my guard down in every way possible with someone. Give me that.

you. It is complete torture to talk so real with the person who you want to be with. Not forever but for right now it kills me that you still care so much for your past. I won’t ever be yours. Why do you have to be so amazing? I want you to want me. Whether we fight or laugh, being in your arms, you lifting me up or spinning me, its all the comfort I want. I’m safe.

And COMFORT. I want to be so completely comfortable with someone. I am comfortable when I’m around you and just feeling you, holding you, you holding me in any way shape or form, that’s the feeling I want all the time.

“In another life”…